Justyn, School of Tantra of the Heart, Formation of Psychodynamics of Relations and Body Communication, 2nd meeting, 2025

It’s been a few months since I last met my Formation group, and I’ve only just now felt able to share my thoughts, or even my subtle feelings. It wasn’t until these workshop that I became acutely aware that I’d practically been playing “for the audience” my entire life. I’d put on various masks to play the perfect role, the best in the group. I even chose my “games” to give me the best chance – if someone I knew was already good at something, I wouldn’t even try to participate. Whether it was playing football, fixing a car, or dancing – if there wasn’t a good chance I’d be the best at it (or it would take too much effort), I’d avoid participating. All of this made me either artificial or withdrawn. Looking back at various situations from my past, I see how often I was torn between what I wanted to do, what I thought others expected of me, and what felt right to me. Regardless of my choice, I felt like a fraud, a traitor, or just plain slacker—either to myself or to others.

Only now can I say I’ve started to notice this and try to change—to “do something differently.” I’ve begun to realize that what I think someone thinks/expects of me is often utter nonsense and stems from my own projections.

These workshops are so long and so intense on so many levels that you simply can’t keep pretending. Eventually, something breaks, something emerges, something is noticed, and that’s when you can do something about it. And the workshop continues to work long afterward, “striking” you with something interesting even when taking a shower 🙂

It was from these “shower enlightments” that I remembered one of the turning points in my life, which I looked at from the perspective of playing to the audience. I always tried to be good at school – pass the tests, be my teacher’s favourite, etc. Above all, I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, so my biggest fear wasn’t that I’d fail an exam, but how my mother would react. When I went to university, I was in danger of failing my first year – the first deadline, the second deadline, and finally the final exam date, which would determine my future. The stress was immense, because my world would collapse, my mother would be disappointed in me, she would be embarrassed in front of the rest of the family… Finally, it happened – I failed, and there was no way to appeal. And… the world didn’t collapse, my parents didn’t cut off contact with me, they didn’t stop supporting me, my friends didn’t disown me. Paradoxically, this was the best outcome, because my stress bubble burst, I started a job (I had plenty of time, catching up on only three subjects a year) in more or less my field of study, and I met wonderful people. Above all, I felt a huge sense of relief that I no longer have to strain and push myself so hard.

I still find myself trying to get back into the same old trough, finding myself putting on masks, hiding, sweeping things under the rug, but at the same time, I have faith that there’s a way and it all makes sense, even if I can’t see it at the moment 🙂