Agata, Death and Resurrection

I felt very strongly that in order to live, I have to accept the fullness of myself – my inner shaman, my power – without it my life here does not make sense.

 I did not plan to take part in this workshop… but there were so many signs that I would have to be really blind not to notice them, and quite dead not to feel them. The card I have chosen for this year is “death and resurrection”. On the 3rd tantra school meeting I entered the death process twice and twice I “resuscitated”. Meanwhile, I remained half-dead… I could not live fully, but I was not aware about wanting to leave neither. Not aware…

That is why I came to this special meeting to finish the case, make a decision. During the preparation for death, I realized that the only thing that keeps me here is the responsibility for people I gave to the world – my children. It was not that I found life here not interesting and unattractive – on the contrary ? the nature that makes me usually giddy with delight, people, feelings, senses, friendship, love and lots and lots of fun. A lot of this I experienced in my entire life, and yet whole the time the shadow of death was with me. I do not know where it came from and why… When it activated I simply did not want to “get up in the morning”, I was sinking into the void. I entered the process of dying quietly, my body was not defending. I felt I went through it many, many times.

When I “let go” of my children, giving them faith in their strength and capabilities – nothing stood in the way any longer. Very quickly, the body began to numb, solidify. After some time, I felt like the existence enclosed in a sarcophagus of its own body… I could no longer move my limbs and at some point I got scared. What if I do not die, and the feelings will not come back to my body and I will remain in this paralysis for ever? My breath was getting weaker, slower, as if it was fading. There were images of my life, the people with whom I wanted to say good bye – so familiar… Warm and black silence started to cover me, very cozy, very safe. Very familiar.

The drum began the final count down, and I felt that something in me moves upwards, to the top of the head. There was probably a gate… And the last shot of the drum ? the end ? I let out the last breath and then suddenly I felt I WANT TO LIVE !!! HERE! NOW! I wanted to shout it to the whole world. I made a decision – an independent and conclusive! I felt very strongly that in order to live, I have to accept the fullness of myself – my inner shaman, my power – without it my life here does not make sense. Saying ‘no’ to that part of my existence made me lack the reason to be here and I was still looking into the abyss…

Now I’m dancing Life and Death applauds me. I am complete, I’m happy. Agata ‘Death and Resurrection ? shamanic workshop’